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View this email in your browser Sunday, October 4, 2026 NEWS Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future NEWS Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank NEWS Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis LOCAL Math Teacher’s Duplex Too Depressing To TP BASKETBALL NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day LOCAL Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat INFOWARS The Tim Heidecker Podcast #0001 - Jeremy Levick, Rajat Suresh, Sean Coleman JOIN AMERICA’S FINEST MEMBERSHIP NEWS Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’ ENTERTAINMENT Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles ENTERTAINMENT Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty LOCAL Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture ENTERTAINMENT Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway LOCAL What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile? SHOP AT THE ONION STORE Copyright (C) 2026. All rights reserved. Global Tetrahedron LLC dba The Onion · 2045 W Grand Ave Ste B PMB 479693 · Chicago, Illinois 60612-1577 · USA You are receiving this email because you opted in via our website. Not interested in hearing from us? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe