The Onion
Day 17 after signup
Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In
MORE | Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins
Why it works
- Grouping headlines under section labels makes a broad roundup easy to scan.
- Keep the editorial links central, with secondary membership and store calls to action placed between or after them.
How it is built
- Date and section labels
- Satirical headline roundup
- Membership promotion
- More headline links
- Store promotion
- Footer and preferences
Email copy
View this email in your browser Monday, October 12, 2026 SPORTS Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In NEWS North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness NEWS What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak JOIN AMERICA’S FINEST MEMBERSHIP NEWS Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins AMERICAN VOICES Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution LOCAL Friend Doing Art Must Be Really Struggling SHOP AT THE ONION STORE LOCAL Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen LOCAL Friends Always Trying To Set Up Single Woman With New Puzzle LOCAL Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable NOT A PAID ADVERTISEMENT JOIN AMERICA’S FINEST MEMBERSHIP Copyright (C) 2026. All rights reserved. Global Tetrahedron LLC dba The Onion · 2045 W Grand Ave Ste B PMB 479693 · Chicago, Illinois 60612-1577 · USA You are receiving this email because you opted in via our website. Not interested in hearing from us? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe