The Onion
Day 4 after signup
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
MORE | Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed
Email copy
View this email in your browser Tuesday, September 29, 2026 NEWS Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank LOCAL Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture NEWS Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future JOIN AMERICA’S FINEST MEMBERSHIP ENTERTAINMENT Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty ENTERTAINMENT Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles NEWS Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’ SHOP AT THE ONION STORE ENTERTAINMENT Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist POLITICS Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed LOCAL Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money NOT A PAID ADVERTISEMENT JOIN AMERICA’S FINEST MEMBERSHIP Copyright (C) 2026. All rights reserved. Global Tetrahedron LLC dba The Onion · 2045 W Grand Ave Ste B PMB 479693 · Chicago, Illinois 60612-1577 · USA You are receiving this email because you opted in via our website. Not interested in hearing from us? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe